@Imjackinthebox

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

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@StephenAtHome

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

@wolfmannjr

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

@BruceForce

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

@rebrafsim

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

@tchrquotes

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

@juliussharpe

At the coffee shop, I saw a German guy reading the first few pages of a book about WWII and smiling. Keep reading, buddy. Keep reading.

@Inferno_V

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

@EddieHarris216

TSA agent: Step aside sir. I need to pat you down.
Me: Hang on.
(Sets up pottery wheel)
(Turns on unchained melody)
Let’s do this.

@schumoo

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

@fro_vo

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then