@Imjackinthebox: I'm not saying it is your fault, I said I'm blaming you.
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@AbbieEvansXO: Alien 1: we’re abducting you Alien 2: taking you to our home planet Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you're the alien Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing Alien 1: wait, no- Alien 2: she’s right Blork
@I_am_Lukem: I don't understand why people get excited about carbon dating. But then perhaps I just haven't met the right pencil.
@bourgeoisalien: Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
@murrman5: officer it's my son's car "just make it stop sir" I don't know how "can you call him" I'll try *tries to dial while car bounces up and down*