I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
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I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.