I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

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7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.


How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?


[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go


It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.


Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.


“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.


World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson’s daughter.


1. Put “Out of Order” sign on a staircase.
2. Wait until someone says, “Stairs can’t be out of order!” and uses them.
3. Release the bees.