@dad_on_my_feet

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

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@HiddleDeeDee

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

@mela_shea

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

@smithsara79

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

@JB4Realz

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

@felicityward

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

@jwoodham

“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.

@Samzen_

World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@rolldiggity

1. Put “Out of Order” sign on a staircase.
2. Wait until someone says, “Stairs can’t be out of order!” and uses them.
3. Release the bees.