I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
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*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…