I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
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if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.