I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
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*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
the world’s most popular steaming services
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.