I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
You Might Also Like
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!