@RidiculousSheri

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

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@bourgeoisalien

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

@Parentpains

In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.

@stevevsninjas

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

@WilliamAder

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

@BriarSlyMalice

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

@robin_991

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

@HenpeckedHal

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

@UnFitz

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

@imteddybless

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour