I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
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i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.