@ddsmidt

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

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@lizetagge

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.

@imchriskelly

Remember, you need to binge all of #TheOtherTwo before seeing “Avengers Endgame” this weekend or it won’t make any sense.

@bridger_w

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

@chuuew

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

@pilau

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

@byrdie_num_num

Haven’t worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven’t poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years.

@violet_heartin

*strips & lies on the couch*

Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.

Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.

@TheBeerGuy73

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

@DanMentos

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

@wesjohnson8

The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.