I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
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#SCOTUS one-star review
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
it is time once again
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Wait a minute
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot