I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

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Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.


Remember, you need to binge all of #TheOtherTwo before seeing “Avengers Endgame” this weekend or it won’t make any sense.


If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”


BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do


her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it


Haven’t worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven’t poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years.


*strips & lies on the couch*

Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.

Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.


[Voice from police helicopter]
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*


Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto


The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.