I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
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I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
COME ON KRUSE #fencing