I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
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“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
remember
only for emergencies
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.