Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Prof_Peejay

Her:”What do you do?”
Me:”I teach astronomy.”
Her:”OMG!! I’m a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?”
Me:”Yes, you’ll go home alone tonight.”

@Elizasoul80

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@NurseSeymour

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

@Charalanahzard

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

@ibid78

“Well that can’t be right.” – dogs watching us catching balls with our hands

@Reverend_Scott

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

@CantWaitToNap

I only buy stuff I need on Amazon.

*Opens new metal detector*

@TheBoydP

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

@TheClifBob

Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again