I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
You Might Also Like
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.