I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD