I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
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Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands