I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
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so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
We need more people like this.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.