@sarcasticmommy4: I'm not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they'd still ask me for a snack.
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@pants_leg: i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
@RobertManchild: [company meeting] Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes. Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
@jjhartinger: To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
@Rachelnoise: Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You'd think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they'd be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.