@sarcasticmommy4: I'm not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they'd still ask me for a snack.
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@jake_likes_naps: HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
@envydatropic: The Heimlich maneuver doesn't work when you choke on your own words.....I know this now
@: [meeting at the headquarters of literally any app] good morning everyone, let's get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse