I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
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Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I falcon love using swear birds
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
This kid will have a bright future.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.