I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

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A bug zapper, but for people trying to come into my office.


What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?


My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.


Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.


People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”


Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.


Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.


my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands