I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
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Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours