I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
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If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
When you’re here for the treats.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt