I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
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Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.