I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

You Might Also Like


*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*



Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:

Nice ass.


“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first


Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming


advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden


A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.


Can someone help me figure out how much water I need to add to this baby powder in order to make a baby?


me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot


I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?