*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.
Can someone help me figure out how much water I need to add to this baby powder in order to make a baby?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.