@AmishPornStar1

I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…

But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.

You Might Also Like

@antoniodelotero

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@AdamUrbane

Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:

Nice ass.

@murrman5

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

@figgled

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

@PartyBitchKayla

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

@GaryJanetti

A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.

@pizzajaynow

Can someone help me figure out how much water I need to add to this baby powder in order to make a baby?

@TweetPotato314

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

@mochanya

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?