I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
You Might Also Like
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks