I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
I came this close!!!!
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.