I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
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So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!