@Darlainky

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

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@roxiqt

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

@ben_rosen

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

@TheBoydP

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

@DrakeGatsby

[Tour of NASA Headquarters]

Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-

Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?

Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.

@lordratsquirt

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

@EJGomez

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

@HomeProbably

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.