@IDontSpeakWhine

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

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@SwedishCanary

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

@perlhack

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

@wolfpupy

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

@TuSoonShakur

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

@realHamOnWry

I just threw a handful of video games into a crowded mall and there wasn’t a single fatality.

@Wakenbake77

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

@UnFitz

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

@LOsepyan

We should let prisoners take their own mug shots…I shall call it “The cellfie”