Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
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a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I just threw a handful of video games into a crowded mall and there wasn’t a single fatality.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
We should let prisoners take their own mug shots…I shall call it “The cellfie”