I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

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a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’


[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything


Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef


The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.


I just threw a handful of video games into a crowded mall and there wasn’t a single fatality.


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Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.


We should let prisoners take their own mug shots…I shall call it “The cellfie”