I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
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I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
😅🤣😂
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
What if the weather talks about us?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.