I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
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My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Buck naked
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*