I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
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DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
britain’s three elite institutions
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening