I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

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The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror


OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!


when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.


[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]


would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this


We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.


Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.


I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.