The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
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OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Curved TV Problems..
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.