@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

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@drinksmcgee

The Elm Street Daycare Centre has a strict “no naptime” policy.

@MumInBits

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

@blackr0se_x

Astrology person: what’s your siiiiggnnnnnn

Me: I think I’m a stegosaurus

@sofarrsogud

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

@stevevsninjas

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach