I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
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(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅