[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
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Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
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The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.