WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well
You Might Also Like
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.
[end credits roll]
“I did not see that coming”
“Dude that was titanic”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*