I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well

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Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.


Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.


I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off.

Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back.


BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole


Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.


If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.


7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.


me: i’d like to make a complaint

optometrist: what is it?

me: the surgery i just had

optometrist: and?

me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t