@Reverend_Scott
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
@thentherewasmo
I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well
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@Reverend_Scott
@seaninbuffalo
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
@UnFitz
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
@pilau
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
@50NerdsofGrey
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
@jdforshort
6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house
@wildethingy
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
@RichNeville
A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.
@This_Josh_guy
[end credits roll]
“I did not see that coming”
“Dude that was titanic”
@FeelingEuphoric
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*