@thentherewasmo

I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well

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@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

@UnFitz

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

@pilau

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

@jdforshort

6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house

@RichNeville

A few people on here are having fun communicating with their neighbours using messages placed in windows, so I’m joining in.

@This_Josh_guy

[end credits roll]

“I did not see that coming”

“Dude that was titanic”

@FeelingEuphoric

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*