Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well
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Don’t be shy, send that 8th unanswered text
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off.
Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back.
LION TAMER: I’m a lion tamer.
LION: For now.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
me: i’d like to make a complaint
optometrist: what is it?
me: the surgery i just had
me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t