Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
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Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Monday?
No. Next question.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Ok, but like, how married are you?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me