I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
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REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room