I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
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5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Leonardo DiCaprisun
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled