@JohnLyonTweets

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

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@Elizasoul80

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

@sarabellab123

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

@Jeff_Ross_MD

BREAKING: President Obama shows solidarity with victims in war-torn countries by posting another selfie with celebrities.

@Ellierocks2013

Door says push.. I pull.. If it says pull I push.. I’m ether a hardcore Rebel or I need glasses…

@Mom_Overboard

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

@galiamango

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

@causticbob

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.