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@sarah1mc: I'm not saying you're an idiot,
I'm typing it.
@truegritrumble: WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
@KKAlThani: Pretty cool how your dreams went from "Astronaut" or "Doctor" to "What's the lowest I can get to pass this course"
@Ignorant_Indian: Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
@Reverend_Scott: [praying mantis home]
"Happy Mother's Day, mom"
Aww, thank u, son
"Mom, why did Dad leave?"
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
@AbbieEvansXO: Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no