I’m not saying you’re an idiot,
I’m typing it.

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Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.


You may be a good person deep down inside, but I don’t carry around a shovel


“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.


If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.


A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.


[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff


If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over….you can make them here, because I want some too


Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”


I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.


It’s not that I don’t like drinking, it’s just I find that my aim when throwing bottles in your face is allot more accurate when I’m sober.