@sarah1mc
@TheAndrewNadeau
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
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@TheAndrewNadeau
@AnOrangeSNES
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
@anerdonfire2
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
@Jake_Vig
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
@TheAndrewNadeau
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
@BoomBoomBetty
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
@Lisa_Laughs_
I’m going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!
@Laser_Cat
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
@Smooheed
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
@ComedicBust
[hiding in a pantry during a robbery]
Wife: [terrified and crying]
Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can’t taste the difference.