@truegritrumble: WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again? ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not! WIFE: You lying to me? ME: No. *rains frogs*

@KKAlThani: Pretty cool how your dreams went from "Astronaut" or "Doctor" to "What's the lowest I can get to pass this course"

@Ignorant_Indian: Dating Tips. C all her 69 times a day. R ing her doorbell and hide. E avesdrop by phone tapping. E ye her bffs. P oke her on FB.

@Reverend_Scott: [praying mantis home] "Happy Mother's Day, mom" Aww, thank u, son "Mom, why did Dad leave?" [turns head away 180°] I was hungry

@AbbieEvansXO: Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no