I’m not saying you’re an idiot,
I’m typing it.

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{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.


I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.


I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.


I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.


One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.


Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.


I’m going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!


Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?


Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….


[hiding in a pantry during a robbery]

Wife: [terrified and crying]

Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can’t taste the difference.