@MableGertrude

I’m not saying you’re on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.

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@alexlumaga

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

@JayCee302

Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her

Bartender: Oh yeah?

Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th

::rushes home::

@wildethingy

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

@Home_Halfway

M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*

M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?

@just1fool

My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there’s still time.

@Jake_Vig

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

@anon_mommy

Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass

@yoyoha

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

@TheBoydP

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.