I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
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I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy