I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
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Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Has there ever been a more American story?
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*