I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
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Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Me, in DM rooms…
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.