I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
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“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Oops
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel