you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
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Why is it always spiders? Why can’t I eat chicken wings in my sleep?
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘?????2.54???.’
Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he’s having computer problems?
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.