I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

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you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is


[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”


Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest


I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘?????2.54???.’


Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he’s having computer problems?


I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?


Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.


Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*


Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.