I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
as is their right
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”