I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
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I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children