Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
This crunchy cat food tastes a lot like I just poured from the wrong packet into my cereal bowl.
I ate a big cheeseburger for lunch and my heart started going really fast, so I’m counting it as an hour at the gym.
Opened a can of expired beans and an eagle flew out carrying a photo of a can of fresh beans. I nervously ate the photo while he observed.
“This is not fair!” – Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.