I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
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My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
6. me as a lawyer
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Sunday
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂