My blood type is b hungry.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
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God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib
Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉