I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
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Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂