I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

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If someone tells you they’re burning for you, toss a pitcher of water in their face.


Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”


First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!


“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”


me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud


Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”


People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.


Tell her she’s glowing and watch her do the mental math on when her last period was


Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.