@chrisanna4real

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

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@not_delicate

If someone tells you they’re burning for you, toss a pitcher of water in their face.

@Parkerlawyer

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

@moiragallaga

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

@nellyweather

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

@FredTaming

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

@SoVeryBritish

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

@juliussharpe

People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.

@torrami

Tell her she’s glowing and watch her do the mental math on when her last period was

@TravLeBlanc

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.