I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
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it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I have two kinds of followers
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.