I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
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Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls