“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
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Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
quarantine day 3
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
This cat wants you to take your pills
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.