I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
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My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch