Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?
I’m not drunk enough for this
I’m too drunk for this
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
imagine boycotting beauty & the beast because of a gay character while being totally cool with a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo
customers really come up to me and ask “when this whole covid thing gonna be over?” Lmfao bro idk let me go ask my manager
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.