@Fickle_Filly

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

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@elle91

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

@not_delicate

Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?

@ToxicProbably

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

@daemonic3

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos


727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

@tyleroakley

imagine boycotting beauty & the beast because of a gay character while being totally cool with a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo

@rofnl

customers really come up to me and ask “when this whole covid thing gonna be over?” Lmfao bro idk let me go ask my manager

@jus4golf

Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.

@Marcmywords2

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.