@Fickle_Filly

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

You Might Also Like

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:2;}

@MaDom

I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.

@Dawn_M_

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

@Crunk_Jews

Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.

@ronleibach

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

@SunshineJarboly

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

@LMHPhotog

Teach a fish to catch a MAN, and you’ve got a blockbuster horror movie idea under your belt.