I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

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Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no


Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.


Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?


I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this


Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos

727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin


imagine boycotting beauty & the beast because of a gay character while being totally cool with a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo


customers really come up to me and ask “when this whole covid thing gonna be over?” Lmfao bro idk let me go ask my manager


Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.


Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.