@TwoSapphiresBlu
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
@Fickle_Filly
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
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@TwoSapphiresBlu
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
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@MaDom
I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
@Dawn_M_
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
@Crunk_Jews
Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.
@ronleibach
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
@thirdbeat
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
@SunshineJarboly
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
@LMHPhotog
Teach a fish to catch a MAN, and you’ve got a blockbuster horror movie idea under your belt.