I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

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Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.


I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire




I’ve never been skydiving, but I’ve zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.


If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.


Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.


GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.


*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?


Teach a fish to catch a MAN, and you’ve got a blockbuster horror movie idea under your belt.