How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
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*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.