4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
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You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Spring of Deception
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
All generalizations are stupid.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes