@CarrieMayhem: I'm not stalking you. I'm getting to know you behind your back.
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@clyderun: At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the "I have a PhD" card. Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.
@Staggfilms: It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
@KeetPotato: me: [whispers] "don't tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster" my wife: [getting out car] "what the hell happened?!" all 6 firemen: "he made bacon in the toaster"