I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Are these grass-fed oranges?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
How it started How it’s going
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I was just discussing this with my cat
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.