friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Lassie, get help!
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.