I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

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Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it


being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system


Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”


I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.


When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring


If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.


Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.


Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh


I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!


If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.