@Marlebean

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

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@AnniemuMary

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

@seamussaid

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

@Donna_McCoy

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

@jazmasta

I thought I saw an octopus but it was just 8 eels kissing a butternut squash.

@mindykaling

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

@donni

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

@heatherlou_

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

@DrakeGatsby

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

@JoshuaHvr

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

@Gooooats

If you ask me to hold a bag of any kind of candy, all the red ones will be gone before you get it back.